Alive - Discussion and Suggestion

[Winston]

1) I understand. Although the "He did this" thing is hard to avoid. The "important" line was supposed to be like that, kind of a joke, a punchline, ya know?

2) I dont think the comma is supposed to be there in the cowlick line, typo on my part. The whole part where youre healing us though, the commas go where theyre needed. Although I suppose its a run on sentence, haha.

And I flung my hand towards him, the fireball leapt off my hand.

3) The narrator, being me, of course, I have to dance between tenses in order to describe myself. I cant really say, "I was a Yuke" when I still am. Otherwise I couldnt be narrating.

I guess I just assumed on the name, haha.

I like that line too, but I thought you were going to say the "big fucking hammer" line. Haha.

Thanks Pape!

[XAevinX]

thunderevermore said:

Although the "He did this" thing is hard to avoid.

Instead of

Finally getting up from the desk, he took a sip of iced tea and walked to his room. He was pretty tall, short dark hair, and thick rimmed glasses. He walked with long strides until he came to the door. He merely pushed it open and walked in. He sat down on the dining room chair that he had set up in there and turned on the x-box.

Try...
Finally getting up from the desk, he took a sip of iced tea and walked to his room. The thick rimmed glasses he wore accentuated his short dark hair. With long strides he came to the door and, with the slightest push, walked in. From his seated position on the dining room chair he turned on the x-box.

It's not too tough, just try to mix it up a bit...

thunderevermore said:

The narrator, being me, of course, I have to dance between tenses in order to describe myself. I cant really say, "I was a Yuke" when I still am. Otherwise I couldnt be narrating.

Nope, you still can't switch tenses. Not only does it sound wrong, but it's not proper English. If you are telling the story in past tense stay that way! If you are telling it in present tense stay that way!

What am I? Well, Ifm a Yuke. I wore brown and white striped tights that conveivably wrapped around my entire body.

Two choices....
All Past: "What was I? Well I was a Yuke. I wore brown and white striped tights..."
All Present: "What am I? Well I am a Yuke. I wear brown and white striped tights..."

Trust me you have to pick one tense. It's the right way to do it grammatically and it just sounds better!

I'll give you an example from my story. It's narrated in first person and past tense by a boy named Aevin.

But not me, I wasn't one of those blessed ones. I was a Fier'dal, one of the dying race. And to make things even better I was what they liked to call an Outcast, that being a pledge member of a disbanded guild.

Guess what?! He STILL IS a Fier'dal BUT he says "I was a Fier'dal" because that's the way it sounds best and that's grammatically correct! If that doesn't convince you then I give up. Write your story the wrong damn way.

[Winston]

Two choices....
All Past: "What was I? Well I was a Yuke. I wore brown and white striped tights..."
All Present: "What am I? Well I am a Yuke. I wear brown and white striped tights..."

Trust me you have to pick one tense. It's the right way to do it grammatically and it just sounds better!

I'll give you an example from my story. It's narrated in first person and past tense by a boy named Aevin.

It sounds better and more correct for me to do it this way, plus its logical.

Finally getting up from the desk, he took a sip of iced tea and walked to his room. The thick rimmed glasses he wore accentuated his short dark hair. With long strides he came to the door and, with the slightest push, walked in. From his seated position on the dining room chair he turned on the x-box

That has one less "He did this" than my sentence does.