|
Post by Winston on May 26, 2005 9:05:29 GMT -5
Ok, I edited the latest section a bit, made it more descriptive and a bit more of what I wanted. Its longer, so go read it!
|
|
|
Post by Smileygirl918 on May 26, 2005 22:29:21 GMT -5
I did! I like it a lot more, I still wish I knew more about the game. I love the way you describe things and people when you write. I like alive as much as I do because it lets me see into your head a little bit and i really like that. Obviously i can relate to the character if that character is you, or you speaking. I think i like you're writing so much because your voice comes out and i think i'm listening to you tell me a story
|
|
|
Post by Winston on May 27, 2005 9:56:52 GMT -5
Thanks hunny!
|
|
|
Post by Angels Sleeping on May 30, 2005 7:56:34 GMT -5
I like it, except for two things!
1.) You mention three fellow journeymen in the beginning, however, further down, there are only two others.
2.) You call Mike "horribly shaven." Wouldn't it be "horribly unshaven?"
|
|
|
Post by Smileygirl918 on Jun 25, 2005 9:14:18 GMT -5
Winston, I think you need to be inspired and update Alive, it's been almost a month
|
|
|
Post by Winston on Jun 27, 2005 7:51:04 GMT -5
I know, I wish I was though.
|
|
|
Post by Smileygirl918 on Jun 28, 2005 23:25:27 GMT -5
how do we make you inspired?? suggestions?
|
|
|
Post by Winston on Jul 10, 2005 11:47:27 GMT -5
A new section up, its off of my latest bad ass game, Advent Rising.
|
|
Jinxie<3
Full Pirate Monkey
Just beyond your imagination...
Posts: 329
|
Post by Jinxie<3 on Jul 10, 2005 12:18:33 GMT -5
I really like this one, in all honesty.
It's by far the most different. It seems lesslike a video game. Very nicely done. It made me sad, too. v_v
-Jinxie<3
|
|
|
Post by Winston on Jul 10, 2005 12:26:18 GMT -5
I tried my hardest to convey the emotions of the character.
|
|
|
Post by CrazyDave on Jul 10, 2005 12:44:26 GMT -5
It's a little confusing, on the first read, mainly because the scenes kinda smash together. But, the second time I read it cleared it up quite a bit.
I think that the main difference I saw between this part and the previous ones was the lack of YOU. In the other chapters, the end of a part was you either soaking up the experiences or talking with someone.
But, those are my only negitive statements. You have AMAZING imadry.... not spelled right.... And a great expression of the human frailties. It really is a great piece. While it was a game I didn't really play before, it is really cool and deep.
Keep writting, boyo. I'll have a new story up soon (I hope) and it will need some company.
|
|
|
Post by Winston on Jul 10, 2005 21:29:01 GMT -5
Thanks Dave!
A new section, this one on Pokemon, obviously. Im on a roll, 2 in one day!
|
|
|
Post by CrazyDave on Jul 10, 2005 23:28:08 GMT -5
Well, that was different.
"You should treat wild pokemon better" Right... that makes sence. I guess trainers will do anything to fight nowadays, huh?
Makes me wanna play pokemon again.
It's different, but that's not a bad thing. I like the way you gave more depth to the pokemon character. Maybe you could write more about this one, if you want.
Actually, I kinda like the randomness of this story... Makes it feel both free and risky at the same time. Fun.
Damnit, I wanna write something.....
|
|
|
Post by Winston on Jul 11, 2005 11:01:17 GMT -5
Im not sure how to take that Dave.
But thanks!
|
|
XAevinX
Full Pirate Monkey
~siro ookami~
Posts: 488
|
Post by XAevinX on Sept 11, 2005 20:16:01 GMT -5
Ok it took me a long time but I finally did it...I sat down and read this whole thing. Now I'm going to post my responce without reading any of the others (so it's unbiased). If I repeat what someone else already said you'll know why. You know the drill by now...(or maybe you don't?) Ok here's the drill, bad news first. Good news (if there is any ) last! 1) Over Using Terms Same thing I pointed out on everyone else's story. Over use of he did this and he did that. Try "Both had the same three layered layout." ect... 2) Grammar and Spelling Obviously every story is going to have this problem to a certain extent so I wont get into it too deeply. This is prevelant in my stories as well I believe. The major problem with this story was an abundance of sentence fragmants. I think you were going for the "Stream of Consciousness" effect and sometimes thoughts are incomplete, but try not to over use it. You seem to overuse commas like in that sentence and the next one. Sounds to me like you flung your hand at him... 3) Tenses Ahhhhh! This was Cait's major problem awhile back. You're not nearly as bad but some phrases in the story are questionable... "you're lucky" present "It was" past "What am I? Well, I'm a Yuke." present "I wore" past 4) Random....uhm....stuff..... This is just a random thing that didn't really fit anywhere else... My character's name was Aeshin. It doesn't really ruin the story but I thought I'd let you know anyway. Ok now moving on to what we are all interested in, the good news! I really liked the cross between third and first person. At a few places it was a little rough but over all it made you feel like real life was fake and the games were real. I think that was the point of the story so good job! That was an awesome line, totaly made the whole story. I understand the point of the title now. I also liked the fact that it was several different games, several different lives, several different realities, and yet they all fit together somehow. It keeps you interested and on the edge of your seat because you can never tell just what might be coming next.
|
|