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Post by Winston on Apr 2, 2005 12:57:59 GMT -5
Just thought Id write a little series of shorts about some games I play and stuff. So tell me whatchya think.
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Post by RubberPiggy on Apr 2, 2005 13:04:41 GMT -5
I liked it. You're making yourself look more and more geeky, sure, but I loved the way you wrote it. Nice job.
~RP~
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Post by CrazyDave on Apr 2, 2005 15:03:38 GMT -5
It's actually much more vivid then an actual game would be, which really gives me neat view of the world "Inside Your Mind!"
Really, though, it's pretty damn amazing. I really felt like I was there fighting with you. Most cool.
I like it. quite a bit.
Good job man.
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Post by Winston on Apr 13, 2005 21:27:37 GMT -5
New section.
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Post by RubberPiggy on Apr 14, 2005 10:00:56 GMT -5
Gah, sorry dude, I COMPLETELY forgot to read this, I really meant to. I'll read in in here if I get a chance, but maybe not. Prolly'll have to wait till I get home. ...And then, of course, I have ZERO time tonight, goddamn cardboard boat, so... tomorrow, prolly. Heh. But I so will read. I like it.
~RP~
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Post by CrazyDave on Apr 14, 2005 12:35:25 GMT -5
uh.....
Where's the new section?
It's not in the Alive thingy.... is it on your xanga or something?
I'm sorry, I just can't.... find... it....
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Post by Winston on Apr 17, 2005 11:39:34 GMT -5
The second post in my Alive dealy is the new one.
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Post by Winston on Apr 28, 2005 17:01:29 GMT -5
Fine, no one reply...
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Post by CrazyDave on Apr 28, 2005 19:06:27 GMT -5
sorry, the reason I didn't reply is because I already did the first time I did it.
I think......
you know what, let me check on that.....
no....I'm wrong.... too much soda, I guess....
Any way.... It's very good dude.
Keep writing. The realism is amazing!!!!
I love it. It rocks!
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Post by Angels Sleeping on Apr 30, 2005 7:35:43 GMT -5
First off, I would like to say that you never commented on my story. So don't complain about other people not responding until you can do it yourself.
But here it goes: I agree with Dave about the realism. What I am going to say below is just suggestions, -kay?
I crept up the ramp that led to the roof of the base. Now, when I say crept, I mean I crept about as well as anyone with half a ton of armor carrying a machine gun and a pistol can.
I crept up the ramp.
You don't really need to repeat that you crept up the ramp. The reader already knows this -- especially because you spent a paragraph saying that and describing almost exactly how you did it.
I threw a grenade or two in the hole in the roof, to either make sure that the area was clear, or that I broke a couple people's shields before I jumped in.
Okay, I'm a big nut on parallelism. It's the one thing I really try to watch for when I write. I would write this sentence something like. . . :
"I threw a grenade or two in the hole of the roof, either to make sure that the area was clear, or to break a couple people's shields before I jumped in."
Those are just two specific places I saw in the first post. Remember not to repeat things and that parallelism is a good thing. It keeps the reader on the same wave -- they can read something smoothly. When something isn't parallel, to me, it sticks out and I have to go back and read it to make sure that I read it correctly.
Other than that, I liked it and the realism. I also agree with Sara -- it does make you more geeky, but yes, it's good.
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Jinxie<3
Full Pirate Monkey
Just beyond your imagination...
Posts: 329
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Post by Jinxie<3 on May 1, 2005 11:34:10 GMT -5
Last few lines=hilarious.
I loved the plane fight! I'm such a dork and I love stuff like that. Very well written and I could easily follow it.
Very nice, Winston!
-Jinxie<3
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Post by Winston on May 1, 2005 11:37:30 GMT -5
First off, I would like to say that you never commented on my story. So don't complain about other people not responding until you can do it yourself. But here it goes: I agree with Dave about the realism. What I am going to say below is just suggestions, -kay? I crept up the ramp that led to the roof of the base. Now, when I say crept, I mean I crept about as well as anyone with half a ton of armor carrying a machine gun and a pistol can.
I crept up the ramp.You don't really need to repeat that you crept up the ramp. The reader already knows this -- especially because you spent a paragraph saying that and describing almost exactly how you did it. I threw a grenade or two in the hole in the roof, to either make sure that the area was clear, or that I broke a couple people's shields before I jumped in. Okay, I'm a big nut on parallelism. It's the one thing I really try to watch for when I write. I would write this sentence something like. . . : "I threw a grenade or two in the hole of the roof, either to make sure that the area was clear, or to break a couple people's shields before I jumped in." Those are just two specific places I saw in the first post. Remember not to repeat things and that parallelism is a good thing. It keeps the reader on the same wave -- they can read something smoothly. When something isn't parallel, to me, it sticks out and I have to go back and read it to make sure that I read it correctly. Other than that, I liked it and the realism. I also agree with Sara -- it does make you more geeky, but yes, it's good. The first part is warranted, I changed it a bit. The second one, however, isnt. Its meant to be written from the gamer's perspective, and is to be written as his, or as you may have figured out, MY language. I wrote it as I would say it. I DID change however the first part of that sentence to "through the hole in the roof."
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Post by Smileygirl918 on May 7, 2005 22:23:36 GMT -5
I don't want anyone to think I'm biased because I'm your girlfriend, but I really liked this third post on the alive strand!! I think it was more character and setting oriented than the other posts and less plot line. Maybe I just like it because I understood it more, no grenade throwing, but you write well and i really like your style
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Post by Winston on May 7, 2005 22:37:14 GMT -5
Thank you m'love ;D
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