Post by XAevinX on Nov 8, 2005 13:17:04 GMT -5
1) Grammar / Spelling
I know I've said this 1,000 times already but I'm no expert on grammar or spelling, but a few things jumped out at me.
"only took claim" or "only takes claim"
"try to attract"
"prolonged as long as possible"
2) Clarity / Style
That would imply that Lucifer was the warrior woman. Try "-- Lucifer Hazel, who knew..." or something such. Also the he seems to imply Lucifer instead of Lucian, so I would consider rewording that a bit as well.
....um....what?
The paragraph before makes it seem like all apparant signs lead to starvation. If symptoms as blatant as this are present I think that wouldn't be possible.
If he's grinning, than clearly he is one of them...that is kind of pointless...
3) Repitition
I think you know what I mean by this. If you haven't caught on by now than this isn't going to help you anyway.
"ever"
"meeting"
Now then...there isn't a lot here yet but I look forward to more. You set up a good plot with interesting characters. As a matter of fact I really like the characters, not flat or steriotypes that occur too frequently. They all have numerous and obvious flaws, leaving no one to be the "protagonist" or "antagonist." I look forward to seeing how things develope.
I know I've said this 1,000 times already but I'm no expert on grammar or spelling, but a few things jumped out at me.
...but hers was the soft sort of natural beauty that only take claim to a lady once in a few lifetimes.
"only took claim" or "only takes claim"
hardly the woman to try and attract
"try to attract"
The funeral had been prolonged as possible.
"prolonged as long as possible"
2) Clarity / Style
A warrior woman who had been trained by the best at the time -- Lucifer Hazel knew his way around a sword and any other weapon he could think of, far better than he, himself, ever would.
That would imply that Lucifer was the warrior woman. Try "-- Lucifer Hazel, who knew..." or something such. Also the he seems to imply Lucifer instead of Lucian, so I would consider rewording that a bit as well.
His posture was perfect -- as if it were ever anything less.
....um....what?
No, there was obviously something that they were all missing. Colin knew very little of the arts of white magic but his knowledge did extend to the point of knowing that starvation did not cause lesions to form all over the body or the blood to turn into a thick, black substance. It also did not kill others who came into close contact with the body after death -- the young man who served as his father's attendent would be accompanying him to the afterlife after he managed to spill some of the man's poisoned blood onto his hands.
The paragraph before makes it seem like all apparant signs lead to starvation. If symptoms as blatant as this are present I think that wouldn't be possible.
he grinned some sort of devilish grin that only two people in her family were capable of. He was one of them.
If he's grinning, than clearly he is one of them...that is kind of pointless...
3) Repitition
I think you know what I mean by this. If you haven't caught on by now than this isn't going to help you anyway.
If ever such a woman, in any other circumstance, were to ever catch his attention,
"ever"
If this were any other meeting, I would gladly take kindly to compliments, however, it is no such meeting.
"meeting"
Now then...there isn't a lot here yet but I look forward to more. You set up a good plot with interesting characters. As a matter of fact I really like the characters, not flat or steriotypes that occur too frequently. They all have numerous and obvious flaws, leaving no one to be the "protagonist" or "antagonist." I look forward to seeing how things develope.