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Post by Angels Sleeping on Sept 23, 2005 20:26:43 GMT -5
It's only the prologue but this story is going to be huge. You can't tell the setup from just the prologue but it's going to be different than anything I've ever written before. Let me know what you think! I'll throw bits and pieces of this story in here to be read and reviewed by all of you since I trust your opinions.
Hopefully I'll put more of this up here than the rest of the stuff that I start. This one is coming to me better than the other ones.
So R&R! DO IT! You know you want to.
Yes, Dave, I will read "All That Remains." I promise you. Gotta save the best for last, right?
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Post by CrazyDave on Sept 23, 2005 21:14:41 GMT -5
Wow......
Cait, I don't say this enough, but you can WRITE.
I can not only picture the town whoes name I cannot spell, I can also SEE the fighting coming, the tention, the great qualm of maddness!
I can't wait!!!
Wow.... seriously. I want to read more of this, and soon.
As for All That Remains, take your time, if you need it. It'll be here for a while.
Anyway, write more. I love the premise so far, and if you ever get stuck, feel free to bounce Idea's off of me.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Sept 25, 2005 17:01:11 GMT -5
I definetly agree with Dave!!! This is really really REALLY good so far.. and it's only your prologue  This is the best thing I've ever read of yours keep writing!! |
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Post by Winston on Sept 25, 2005 17:51:17 GMT -5
Meh, Im bored.
Well written. But dull and unimaginative so far. Its a story we've all heard a million times before. Maybe this one will be different, I dont know.
The town seems odd to me. You say that the beach and ocean are to the east and the south, which means, Im assuming, its a coastal town. Generally speaking, coastal towns do just fine economically, especially since most become port towns and the like. I dont understand why it took these families to come and settle down in order to create such a great economy.
Keep it up, just to give me a reason to read.
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Post by Angels Sleeping on Sept 25, 2005 18:52:56 GMT -5
So I have a goal now -- give Winston a reason to read this. I suppose that's a good thing. Doesn't surprise me that Matt was right though. I guess it shouldn't surprise me at all.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Oct 10, 2005 22:28:42 GMT -5
cait! write more?!
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Post by Angels Sleeping on Oct 24, 2005 20:05:04 GMT -5
The basic versions of the first two chapters are up for all to read. Reviews are kind! Criticism is too! I might bite back though. . . depending but eh, my bites aren't too bad.
On the first post, I will continually update the character list so you can tell which character belongs to which family and how they're related to the rest of their family.
Winston, the fighting shall come soon. Chapter 6.
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Post by Winston on Oct 24, 2005 21:23:44 GMT -5
Well for one, if you need a character list, youre not writing properly. But to make sure, Im not even gonna look at it.
Its an awkward sentence, maybe split it up into two, like;
"Lucian did have a powerful weakness for women, and so many of them did hold some sort of loveliness. Hers, however, was the soft sort of natural beauty that take claim to a lady only once in a few lifetimes."
...Eyes?
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Post by CrazyDave on Oct 24, 2005 21:24:16 GMT -5
Wow, it's deffently your type of writing ( see other post above for related praise)
um... I did notice one thing, however. At one point you say something like "....falling into her chocolate brown."
I think you missed the "eyes" there.
But, besides that, It was uber cool! I can't wait to find out about the "Black blood" plague, or whatever!
Weeee!!!! reading good stories!
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Post by Angels Sleeping on Oct 24, 2005 22:18:41 GMT -5
Fixed all of the mistakes that Winston found -- soon, I'll update the one on the MBs. Also, Winston, the only reason I made the Character List is because others have commented on my amount of characters that I introduce at a time. I can keep track of everything and everyone, and I am well aware that a lot of you can too, but others seem to have problems with it.
I still removed it. I only did it to benefit the people offering feedback.
Thanks for the comments, both of ya! I'm excited for the next chapter. . . I introduce something a bit. . . odd. Mwahaha!
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Post by Winston on Oct 25, 2005 11:31:40 GMT -5
Also, Winston, the only reason I made the Character List is because others have commented on my amount of characters that I introduce at a time. I can keep track of everything and everyone, and I am well aware that a lot of you can too, but others seem to have problems with it. Well I think that those people arent exactly the demographic you should be aiming towards then. The writings good enough to figure out who's who, and thats coming from a guy that takes a half dozen or so episodes to remember each character in an anime. |
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Post by Angels Sleeping on Nov 1, 2005 22:24:07 GMT -5
Third chapter's posted! Comment, folks! I particularly like this chapter, especially the ending.
Fourth and fifth chapters are in the works so those will hopefully be here by the end of the weekend. I'm excited!
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Post by Winston on Nov 1, 2005 22:47:14 GMT -5
A little awkward. Try, "Only gone three days" or "Gone only three days"
Two things, 1) grinned + grin. Not good. Try, "He smiled some" or "He showed some" 2) We know he's one of them, he's doing it. I understand how there should be something there to link the "one and the other" deal, ummm... Try, "Still, he smiled some sort of devilish grin which he was one of only two people in her family capable of showing." That still feels awkward, but I cant think of anything else right now.
sister's?
Take out the "in Amelia's opinion" part. We should assume its hers since shes our eyes.
Too many adjectives. Try just taking out black.
Take out that first "any". "that was far more than Amelia would give any of her"
Anyway, thats as far as any of my critiques go.
Good stuff. Keep it up. Cant wait for the rest.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Nov 2, 2005 0:07:17 GMT -5
i haven't read it yet cait, and i plan to, but i disagree w/ winston's comment about too many adjectives. Adjectives are often used in threes and without one of those descriptions we wouldn't have an accurate picture of the dresses.
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Post by Winston on Nov 2, 2005 0:19:08 GMT -5
i haven't read it yet cait, and i plan to, but i disagree w/ winston's comment about too many adjectives. Adjectives are often used in threes and without one of those descriptions we wouldn't have an accurate picture of the dresses. Yeah but reading that sentence is a bit difficult and makes me have to run over it again a few times. At any rate, are all her dresses black? |
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This is the best thing I've ever read of yours 
