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Post by Winston on Jul 12, 2005 11:18:09 GMT -5
So, a Star Wars fanfic?
Should have seen it coming.
Let me know what you think of the idea.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Jul 12, 2005 11:28:15 GMT -5
it looks good so far.. i presume it's obi wan talking..?? you never name the narrator
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Post by CrazyDave on Jul 12, 2005 11:36:48 GMT -5
I am so confused right now...... What exactly are you changing?
Like, This apears to be an AU (Alternate Universe) story. Usually, these stories occur when someone makes a different desision then they normally would.
So... what's the change? I'm not exactly sure yet, but it does sorta sound like Mr. Obi. So, he desides not to go help the other Jedi then? What will happen now?
Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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Post by Winston on Jul 12, 2005 11:42:27 GMT -5
Its not ObiWan.
Its a new character.
Its also not an AU.
It takes place at the end of SWEp3 when Obi Wan changed the message sent out to the Jedi that says they should go to the Jedi Temple, because theyre going to get ambushed. So, my character, as yet unnamed, is one of the surviving Jedi outside of Coruscant.
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Post by Winston on Jul 13, 2005 12:36:58 GMT -5
New section.
Hope ya like it.
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Post by Winston on Jul 14, 2005 12:06:45 GMT -5
Another new section.
Tell me what ya think.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Jul 14, 2005 13:15:23 GMT -5
i really like the new sections!! the story makes a lot more sense now.. and i think i like the direction you're taking it in... plus i absolutely love the way you write.. 
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Post by Winston on Jul 22, 2005 20:27:17 GMT -5
/wipes forehead.
Finally done with the newest section. A bit on the heavy side with dialog, but I hope you like it just the same.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Jul 23, 2005 19:47:39 GMT -5
I really like this! I don't think the dialogue is too much either.. a few things though...
* there's one line where you say bail was something that bail and you meant joen instead
* and you never introduce that anakin is now Vader.. we know that .. but Joen doesn't
.. other than that.. it's great!!! 
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Post by Winston on Jul 24, 2005 9:15:23 GMT -5
Ok, per suggestion, I edited the latest section a bit. Nothing big. Some name changes and a sentence here or there.
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Post by Smileygirl918 on Jul 25, 2005 8:30:55 GMT -5
don't give up on this Winston! It's really good 
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Post by CrazyDave on Jul 25, 2005 19:11:21 GMT -5
Sorry, I've been so busy UNPACKING (Grgh) that I haven't read the new stuff....
It's very very Good! It has that "Everybody treds lightly about what hey say because they're representitives for there planet"....(Wait a minute....WHAT?) Star wars.... thing.....
.....right...
Anyway, It's a really good story! I wanna see where Joan goes next! Hee hee hee.... Joan... that isn't how you spell that, is it?
GODDAMNIT!!!!!
well, atleast keep writing.....
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Post by Winston on Jul 25, 2005 19:13:13 GMT -5
/jumps for joy I'll surely keep writing. And its Joen. But yeah. Thanks Dave! |
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XAevinX
Full Pirate Monkey
~siro ookami~
Posts: 488
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Post by XAevinX on Sept 13, 2005 13:05:30 GMT -5
Again, posting my response without reading any other responses so sorry if I say something that was already said. It's not too long or finished yet so I won't write a huge reply like I did for the other stories. Just a brief reaction...
1) Grammar and Spelling
Same thing, just be carefull when you proof read. Watch out for run-ons (commas can't do everything)
2) Repetition
Same as all the other times, just watch out for it.
3) Random Style Points
These things don't really fit together, just stuff I wanted to say...
This has got to be the 3rd or 4th time you explain why he's on Coruscant. You're practically calling the reader stupid...
He did this, he did that, he can't think of anything better to say...
...maybe "slurred accent."
"donning" is a verb meaning to put on. I think you were looking for an adjective instead?
Ok so anyway...
Good start to a story, I look forward to hearing more.
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Post by Winston on Sept 15, 2005 11:25:05 GMT -5
That lacked any good points, but yeah, thanks.
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